Carlos' Cool Corner: Jokes

Funny Bumper stickers

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:55:38 GMT

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It works better if you plug it in.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

LMAO

PS: Any other funny bumper sticker that you have seen?

Stranded in a deserted tropical island

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:51:39 GMT

Before the joke I would like to write why today selection, well basically after some teasing from some of my female buddies, in regarding the Spacers who leave comments here, I decided to search on a joke which is set in an environment where there are more men than women, so here is what I found:
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
ONE MONTH LATER on the beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

* The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.....
* The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
* The 2 German men have a rigid weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman....
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman....
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex was in the picture, because it got sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any! LMAO!

Things that Darth Vader will never say!

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 09:02:37 GMT

If this is a consular ship, could you please tell the ambassador to come out of hiding so we could discuss this like civilized beings?

Has anyone seen my inhaler?

Impressive...most impressive. Can you do that again?

You should not have come back. But, since you're here, let's shake hands and call it even.

But I was going into Toshi station to pick up some power converters!

Man, this armor chafes.

Luke, do you ever get that not-so fresh feeling?

Wow! Neat!

What does that button do?

I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.

Oh man! I just shot Cpt. Needa in the face! Needa's dead, baby. Needa's dead.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Are you the keymaster?

Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me!

LMAO!

A Bar Joke

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 16:42:33 GMT

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have 50 cents." LOL

PS: This joke comes from one of my blogshares buddy. BTW, click here if you want to join. I am doing fine there, I have my own Corporation and this blog is worth near a billion lol.

Valentine's day advice

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:32:52 GMT

It's Valentine's Day and this old retired couple walk into the doctors office. The woman looks at the doctor and explains how her husband has lost all his sexual vigour. The doctor looks over the husband and tells him that the next time he's horny to just jump on his wife and make love to her madly, so the couple takes the advice and leaves. The next day the old man is back. He yells for the doctor and can hardly contain his joy. He's going on and on about how his advice completely changed his life. He says "Last night me and my wife were eating dinner and I got horny so I took your advice and I jumped on her." The doctor gives him a pat on the back and the man says "There's also some bad news though. I don't think they'll let us back into that restaurant again" lol

Words that women use ;)

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 06:24:04 GMT

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

LMAO

PS: Joke received by Email from Carol last year ;)

Five tough questions that women ask

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:20:35 GMT

What are you thinking?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think that she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of three things:

A Sport game?
How fat you are?
When dinner will be served?

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear".

Wrong answer:

I suppose so
Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
Does it matter?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

Neither fat nor skinny
Compared to what?
I have seen fatter

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers are:

Yes, but you have a better personality.
In the sense that she's younger and thinner.
I don't know

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: " Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest but the deadliest if you get it wrong lol

Math Jokes

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 06:32:52 GMT

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

LMAO!

PS: Yeah, I am starting to bring some jokes and poems from my previous Space ;)

Are you a Geek?

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 07:03:23 GMT